wow! Happy new year! I’m so down about the 60 pounds I’ve gained since I re-married 18 years ago. I have always been an avid ‘exerciser’, however, I’ve gained so much weight that I’ve developed foot and back problems. I’m so down all the time and it seem like I am OBSESSED all day long and disappointed w/myself all day long-everyday! You’d think if I was that obsessed that I’d do something about it….but no….I did lose weight within 5 pounds of my former weight when we got married. I did it on the Zone. I was so focused. I didn’t even think about food….just plowed through each day with a plan of what I was going to eat throughout the day. Even though I had always been skinny (112 pounds at 5′5″ even after the birth of my second son at age 31!), on the zone, I felt the weight fall off in a really weird way. It just seemed like my body because super-well proportioned…better than even when I was at my lowest weight! Back then I worked out obsessively, but I was just kind of scrawny skinny, not really strong. I know our bodies change a lot with age, however, I look around me all the time now and see women of ALL ages who are skinny. Just feel like it’s not fair! I had my third son when I was 39. Five months later I had to have a partial hysterectomy. Talk about the pounds piling on. I had gotten up to 185 during that pregnancy. I had been on the zone before I got pregnant and I think after that 3rd pregnancy, I kind of went back on auto-pilot and I lost down to 140 pretty easily….but, after my hysterectomy, I did gain quite a bit of weight and this was even with regular workouts. When I married, my weight had crept up to 125. I thought I was a cow since I’d always been so thin (naturally, no eating disorders)…before my 3rd pregnancy, I had been prescribed a small amount of paxil which made my weight shoot up so fast that I was flabbergasted. I weaned off the paxil, however, it seemed that, after that, (and I was working out 5 days a week while on the paxil) I couldn’t lose the weight. I thought it might ‘fall off’ since it sure had seemed to have ‘fell on’ me w/eating the same, working out the same, etc. Anyway, that was when I went on the zone and lost down to 130. I was ecstatic, then got pregnant, like I said, got back down to 140 and then…..surprise hysterectomy and then it was all she wrote…weight gain like crazy. Even though I still had my ovaries and did NOT experience any symptoms of menopause, I still gained 20 pounds almost overnight! I’ve still been very active….cycling, running, rollerblading long distances, and lifting weights. The weight just kept piling on because…..I guess I’m eating too much (ya think?). But strange to me is that I rarely drink alcohol, red meat, never eat fried food. I was thinking last year, I don’t not drink because I’m against drinking. I love to have a drink and would probably drink wine every night but I restrain due to the extra calories! Is that not insane?? So, why can’t I put the ‘healthy’ carbs and chocolate that I overeat down? Beats the crap out of me. Anyway, this story has been a little out of order (typing it as I remember) but..sorry about that! I got a personal trainer a couple of years ago. At the time I had been training for a 1/2 marathon…the one that is about 12 miles or so. I had also been training for a triathalon (hate the swimming) where I became so comfortable w/cycling that I started cycling pretty hard-core. I have done 3 long rides for MS society. I was no big deal. The first year I did it, since I had been running so much, I was in great shape for cardio. I started more hard core strength training w/my trainer (she’s hard core!) and that also made me much stronger on my bike. It was a great feeling too to be outside and I met a lot of friends doing it. My husband also started cycling after I did the first MS ride to Austin by myself! He also started training w/my personal trainer and, as everyone knows, he has actually slimmed down SIGNIFICANTLY. Not so much in pounds; he didn’t really need to lose that much…but in inches and wow! His body is amazing! It seems like I had a harder time sticking to it….not as regular as him as he is very didligent about his gym time. I was as regular, however, as my health allowed. Last year I got some crazy, non-stop abdominal pain. It never let up. I tried to work out but it became almost impossible as I was in so much pain. I went through every test in the world and they finally figured out that I have some type of weird endometriosis in the lining of my stomach. I also suspected that I had adhesions that might have been causing this non-stop pain since I’d had numerous female surgeries in the passed. Needless to say, i had been weighing around 163-5 when I was cycling. I was strong….too heavy I know but sheesh… I wish I weighed that now! Doesn’t seem so heavy! I even remember one of our spanish-speaking riders looking at me one day and saying in spanish to a friend (I wish I weighed more) because, even at that weight, I was a pretty fast rider! That always cracks me up!! Yeah, you do (wish you weighed more!!!)….anyway, I don’t mean to sound obnoxious at all. I had speed skated in high school and I think my body is just proportioned well for the bike. They are very similar. Anyway, over this past year, my weight has shot up to 185 and now is hovering between 178 and 182. I can’t get a handle on my eating. I know I could do the zone again and while doing it, just not think about it. I know the program like the back of my hand. If I could just get into the habit….make myself stick w/it….I know the weight would fall off. I know that even though I’m taking a small amount of xanax (for my stomach pain-it works like a charm!) and I’m on estrogen, I know that, if I ate ‘right’ I could lose it. It’s not impossible. See, my weight shot up while I was sick bc I was sitting around eating crackers all day bc it seemed to make my stomach feel full and it made me feel better. I had surgery for the part B of my hysterectomy in August. The laporoscopic surgery promised to be a ‘breeze’, however, I was in excruciating pain and could hardly lift my laptop or do anything around the house. Very depressing. I gradually got stronger and started back w/my trainer. Except for being sick for a week and being out of town, I have been to her twice a week for 14 weeks now. It makes a huge difference in my mood. It’s empowering and I enjoy doing it, however, my cardio has really lapsed due to being in so much pain for 12 weeks after my laporoscopic surgery. I would even consider getting the lap band, however, am wary of possilbe complications, know that it can be sabatoged, tired of having surgery, and I don’t think I could even get it due to my stomach issues which are under control but on-going. Help! I need support. I really want to start the Zone again today. I’ve done weight watchers (hate the point system although I know food journaling is a great tool!). I got overzealous last year and joined jenny craig (for life!)…a whopping $400!!! I ate their food almost perfectly for a week w/Zero results. I found the food over-processed and full of chemicals, white flour and cheese. These are foods that I am supposed to stay away from. I’d rather try to eat healthy, fresh foods than all of that frozen stuff…I know…sounds like I’m full of excuses and…I am! Anyway, I’ve even had a friend who cooks healthy food for work-out nuts cook for me. I get tired of the bland, balanced dinners and also feel like I’m not cooking for my family (who need to eat healthy too)….her meals were so reasonable and good……I do order these egg white choco muffins that have only 30 calories per muffin……I love having them on hand and, when I do, I do grab one when I get the sweet/bread craving thing. She also makes a very low cal tuna salad that I like and that is easy on my stomach. I will get an order of this this week and I’m really wanting to get back on the zone. I have 3 books on the zone. I think it will help to re-read it. I’m so tired of this weight. It’s causing me physical and emotional issues. I hate myself. I’m miserable and I avoid so many social situations due to my weight. Plus, if I don’t change something drastically, I’m just going to keep gaining. I think I would be so much more motivated to get out in the world, have so much more self-confidence and even be more active if I could get this weight off! I know I would. I’m so tired of despising myself and robbing my husband and my 12 year old son of having a half-way attractive wife and mother. Sometimes I feel like (since I re-married and my new husband treats me like a queen) that I don’t deserve it all…….or….if I lost all the weight I want to lose that I’d get un-solicited attention…..I don’t like that. I am….disgusted with myself and it’s like a viscious cycle…….I hate myself so I eat….what is buried under all of this weight? Why am I afraid to lose it? I know how. Why don’t I care enough about myself to do it???? Anybody!?
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